Category: Marriage

David’s Divorce Dictionary: Money
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Authored by , re: Family & Divorce, Intellectual Property, Marriage, on .
David’s Divorce Dictionary: Money | David Kellem

David’s Divorce Dictionary: M is for Money

Definition: In divorce, the word money means “something of which there is not enough.” Based on my observations, the typical middle class family of four in eastern Massachusetts spends around $135,000 per year, after taxes, on a basic family budget:
  • Mortgage or Rent is about $30,000 per year;
  • Utilities and Heat are about $5,100 per year;

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Negotiating a Prenuptial Agreement Doesn’t Have to Feel Like Hell
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Authored by , re: Family & Divorce, LAW RELATED ARTICLES, Marriage, on .

The prenup was hell, but in the end it was almost as if that document became a repository for our anxieties, holding on to them so we didn’t have to.

~Abby Mims

The above quote comes from an article in The New York Times titled “Prenup Is a Four-Letter Word.” In the article, the author Abby Mims writes about her experience being asked to sign a prenuptial agreement. She and her fiancé had been together for a number of years and already had a child when they decided to marry — but the fiancé wanted a prenup.

Click here to read Andrea Vacca's full article...

Divorce: Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em
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Authored by , re: Family & Divorce, Marriage, MEDIATION, on .
Divorce: Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em | Rachel Alexander

{5:36 minutes to read} Recently, a young man, Dave*, called the office, reeling from the discovery of his wife’s infidelity and, even more so, from the lies she told to cover it up. As a divorce mediator and family law attorney, it’s not unusual to receive a call from someone experiencing painful emotions. This young man wanted to schedule an appointment as soon as possible and begin an action for divorce. Dave was shaken, triggered and emotionally hijacked. He was in crisis and aiming to push through it into action.  

Click here to read Rachel Alexander's full article..

 

Changing the Other vs Leaving Them Alone
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Authored by , re: Marriage, MEDIATION, on .
Changing the Other vs Leaving Them Alone | Rachel Alexander

Things would work, if only s/he would change {7:36 minutes to read} Many relationships seem to have to do with how the other person needs to change in order for the relationship to work. One spouse would be happy if only the other would return to work. The other spouse would be happy if only the other would be more sensitive and expressive. If only

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30, Single, and Dating On a Timeline? Part 1: Could He Be the One?
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Authored by , re: Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, on .
30, Single, and Dating On a Timeline? Part 1: Could He Be the One? | Dr. Chloe Carmichael

(3:50 minutes to read) A single woman in her late twenties or early thirties may find herself looking to find a husband sooner rather than later. With her self-esteem on the line or her biological clock ticking in her ears, she may be on a one-year timeline, meaning that after one year of dating, she’s expecting a proposal of marriage. How does a woman determine if the man she’s dating is on the same timeline?

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The Unexpected Bonus of Marriage Equality
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Authored by , re: Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, on .
The Unexpected Bonus of Marriage Equality | Chloe Carmichael

In June of this year, a world of opportunity opened up to the gay community when the Supreme Court affirmed the right of all Americans to marry whomever they wish. For decades, America’s gay community had blazed trails across America, changing hearts and minds in both rural communities and cities along the way. Non-discrimination ordinances passed, companies began to offer benefits to same-sex spouses, and corporate entities like Target embraced their cause.

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The Marriage Whisperer
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Authored by , re: Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, on .
The Marriage Whisperer | Chloe Carmichael

As a practicing clinical psychologist, I have found that the best outcomes occur when the therapist and client are a “good fit.” That is part of the reason I employ a diverse staff of associates: to maximize the chance of a client finding a good fit. I recently spoke with two women who shared the same goal of getting married, but had very different circumstances and sets of obstacles to overcome.

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Are You Really Listening?
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Authored by , re: Family, Family & Divorce, Marriage, on .
Are You Really Listening? | Susan Ingram

{2:54 minutes to read} Recently, I came upon the Chinese character for the word “Listening.” I was fascinated to learn that the character is comprised of 5 separate symbols related to listening. The meanings of those 5 symbols are discussed below. Ears: Since our ears are the part of our bodies that enables us to hear sound, they are the most obvious component of listening and typically the first thing we think of.

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The Family Relationship Consultant
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Authored by , re: Family, Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, Therapy, on .
The Family Relationship Consultant | Ron Cohen

Learning and Doing

“How long can we go on being angry?” — Elie Wiesel

Relationships matter. We all belong to families whose emotional connections greatly impact our lives. The behavior of any member of a family affects every other member in some way. We exist in our relationships and our inescapable connection to our family of origin. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation. The family system resides in the self as much as the self resides in the family system.

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Get Ready, Get Set, Change!
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Get Ready, Get Set, Change | Jay Feld

You know when to change the oil in your car, because the windshield sticker has the 3-months/3,000 miles date on it. You know when it’s time to change the baby’s diaper because … well, you just know! But how do you know when you’re ready to make an important change in your life? Here are 5 ways to assess your readiness for change. You know you’re ready to change when …

  • You become conscious of how unmanageable your life is.

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Can We Make Sense of Dating and Mating? (Part 3) – Building a Life Together
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Authored by , re: Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, Therapy, on .
Can We Make Sense of Dating and Mating Part 3 Building a Life Together | Jay Feld

Nothing helps clarify your values like being in an intimate, committed relationship. We are often unaware of our deeply held values and goals. But when your partner-to-be says or does something that runs afoul of one of them, you might hear yourself saying, “You believe what?!” The similarity between your values and goals and those of your potential life-partner are critically important in creating a healthy relationship, especially with respect to issues such as these:

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Can We Make Sense of Dating and Mating? Part 2: “It Takes a Village”
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Can We Make Sense of Dating and Mating Part 2 It Takes a Village | Jay Feld

For most of history, your pool of potential marriage partners was limited to the people who lived in your village. You knew just about everything there was to know about each of them. Today it’s often the case that the only thing you know about someone is what they choose to tell you in their dating-site profile, whatever you can glean from their social media and the results of a criminal background check.

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Self Knowledge is Not Necessarily Good News
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Self Knowledge is Not Necessarily Good News | Ronald Cohen

The Tao of Self-Differentiation

“Understanding the dark side of ourselves will allow us to relate more fully to others.”   - Star Wars

In her book, You Can Go Home Again: Reconnecting With Your Family, Monica McGoldrick cautions that in the process of differentiation of self in one’s family of origin, it is important to manage one’s anxiety, avoid becoming defensive, and be prepared to hear negative feelings and observations. In order to achieve this more differentiated, less reactive perspective, you need learn about your family in a different way, becoming curious about all family members and learning how to ask questions. Unfortunately, you may discover that some family members think about you as,

“….arrogant, spoiled, selfish or succeeding by luck.”

Click here to read Ronald Cohen's full article...

Can We Make Sense of Dating and Mating?
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Authored by , re: Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, Therapy, on .
Can We Make Sense of Dating and Mating | Jay R. Feld

Once upon a time, getting married was easy. Your parents chose your mate for you, you had little or no say in the matter, and you got what you got. If you were lucky or blessed, it was a good match; if not, you endured, and the whole thing was over in a few decades, anyway. Today, technology provides us with unlimited choices. The one big down-side to our thoroughly modern system, however

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Couple Therapy, Part 3: Your Relationship Dance – Injury-Prone, Or Intimate?
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Couple Therapy, Part 3: Your Relationship Dance – Injury-Prone, Or Intimate | Jay Feld

We watch “Dancing with the Stars” and shows like it to be inspired by the artistry of the contestants. But some of the celebrity contestants, sincere though they may be, inspire our sympathy rather than our admiration. When a couple comes into my office for the first time, they bring with them their “dysfunctional relationship dance,” with wounded hearts rather than sore feet. Allow me to introduce you to the three phases of helping a couple turn an injury-prone relationship dance into an intimate one.

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Couple Therapy, Part 2: “Naked and Unashamed”
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Authored by , re: Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, Therapy, on .
Couple Therapy, Part 2: “Naked and Unashamed” | Jay Feld

In my previous blog, I discussed how a couple therapist serves as a “lifeguard” for relationships. The therapist calms the couple’s panic, listens empathetically and normalizes their experience of woundedness. As the couple and the therapist collaborate in the healing process, the tension between the partners begins to lessen and they begin to soften toward each other. They learn how to turn toward each other and create a “safe haven” relationship.

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Couple Therapy, Part 1: The Lifeboat and the Lifeguard
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Authored by , re: Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, Therapy, on .
Couple Therapy, Part 1: The Lifeboat and the Lifeguard | Jay Feld

The beginning of the year is a great time to start or restart therapy with your partner, to pursue new perspectives and new skills for your love relationship. To this end I offer you a story, “The Lifeboat.” Once upon a time two people met on a cruise ship, fell in love, and were married by the captain. They were having lots of fun and everything was going well, until one day a huge storm capsized the ship. 

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How Can Hopes and Goals Help in Your Divorce?
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Authored by , re: Family & Divorce, FINANCIAL ARTICLES, Financial Planning & Insurance, Marriage, on .
How Can Hopes and Goals Help in Your Divorce? | Bob Bordett

If divorce becomes a reality for you in 2015,consider mediation. There are many different mediation models to choose from with new models coming to light in recent years, such as:

  • Team mediation
  • Family collaborative mediation
  • Integrated mediation
The three models mentioned above use similar tools as the collaborative divorce process - involving financial professionals, attorneys, and, when necessary, mental health professionals. I utilize tools from the collaborative process:
  • A list of suggestions for effective collaborative sessions, taken from Collaborative Divorce by Pauline H. Tesler and Peggy Thompson
  • Having couples create a list of hopes and goals (sometimes called a mission statement)
 

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Therapy and “The Gift of the Magi”
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Therapy and “The Gift of the Magi” | Jay Feld

“One dollar and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty cents of it was in pennies.” In his classic Christmas short story The Gift of the Magi, O. Henry paints a picture of a young married couple making their passage through the rough seas of early twentieth century urban life. The outline of this tiny literary gem is simple: each wishes to buy a magnificent Christmas gift for the other – she wants to buy him a platinum chain for his heirloom pocket-watch, and he wants to buy her a set of tortoise shell combs for her long, beautiful hair.

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The Emotional Roller Coaster of Divorce
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The Emotional Roller Coaster of Divorce | Ronald Cohen

Like most of life, divorce is a process and not an event, a journey and not a destination, a normative road taken by approximately half of all first married couples (though not taken by the other half), and also taken by a somewhat higher percentage of subsequently married couples. A road no less travelled by, a road filled with speed bumps and potholes, hair pin turns and flat out straight aways, with all the back seat drivers yelling “are we there yet” even though none of them know where they are going and fewer know where they've been.

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Do Therapists Go to Therapy?
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Authored by , re: Family, Marriage, MENTAL HEALTH, Therapy, on .

Monday, January 12th, 1998, 10:00am. My wife and I are sitting in the office of a marriage therapist in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. The therapist sits across from us, and invites my wife to talk about the pain she’s experiencing in our marriage, in the hope that she and I can begin to untangle some of the messy unexplainable twists in our relationship. After sixteen years of marriage we were now sinking under the weight of untreated character defects (both hers and mine), and cyclical patterns of conflict that we didn’t understand.

Click here to read Jay R. Feld's full article...