Author Archives: Ada L. Hasloecher

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About Ada L. Hasloecher

Ada Hasloecher is a Divorce Mediator & founder of Divorce and Family Mediation Center, LLC in Long Island, New York.
EMAIL: Ada@DFMCLI.com
BIO: About Ada
PHONE: 631-585-5210

Walking the Razor’s Edge
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Walking the Razor’s Edge | Ada Hasloecher

{2:33 minutes to read} We mediators often do walk a very fine line indeed. We work with couples who have either waited for the mediation to start before bringing up past grievances with each other, or who are triggered when a particular topic ignites a buried and/or unexpressed anger. When that happens, the mediator must almost immediately make the call on how far to allow the situation to play out before stepping in either to stop it or to guide it to its necessary (or unnecessary) conclusion. Not so easy

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9 Years a Slave
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9 Years a Slave | Ada Hasloecher

{4:06 minutes to read} A friend and dear colleague of mine has been going through the matrimonial legal system for a total of 9 years. Yes, you heard that right—9 long years shackled to the adversarial/court system. It took 5 years getting the final divorce settlement, but then 4 more years to litigate the non-compliance of that settlement. Every time she thinks it’s almost over … No! There’s always one more thing.

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Spring Is Almost Here and So Is My Revitalized Website!
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Spring Is Almost Here and So Is My Revitalized Website! | Ada Hasloecher

Every so often it’s time to freshen things up and what better time to do it than the start of a New Year and the welcome approach of the burgeoning of spring. Although I’m launching my revitalized site in early March, it was almost a year in the making with lots of very hard work behind the scenes by my magnificent team, pushing every step of the way!

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Who Bears the Costs of the Emancipated Child?
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Who Bears the Costs of the Emancipated Child? | Ada Hasloecher

{3:54 minutes to read} An oxymoronic question, no? Actually, no, it’s not. An oxymoron as defined by Merriam-Webster is “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words.” According to the NY State guidelines, child support ends at 21, but an issue many couples are now raising is: What if the child continues to live at home? How do parents address support for that child?

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What Is the Half Life of Guilt?
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What Is the Half Life of Guilt? | Ada Hasloecher

{3:48 minutes to read} There is never a time during which I co-conduct the training at the Center for Mediation & Training in New York City that I don’t come away with a few exquisite gems. I train alongside 2 veteran mediators, Ken Neumann and Steve Abel, who not only trained and mentored me in the craft back in 2003, but over the years, have become close colleagues and friends as well.

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If You’re in the Process, You’re Making Progress
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If You’re in the Process, You’re Making Progress | Ada Hasloecher

{4:00 minutes to read} This past December, the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation (NYSCDM) held its downstate 1-day symposium. Those dedicated mediators who attend these conferences (including the annual 3-day conference every May) find the events rich with excellent presenters on significant topics that go to the heart of the work we do in mediation. They also engage in the heartfelt collegiality we all feel towards each other and the resources we share to help an otherwise difficult situation (divorce) be a more dignified process.

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The New Year – One, Two, Three Punch!
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The New Year – One, Two, Three Punch! | Ada Hasloecher

{2:53 minutes to read} I have three close friends going through a marriage crisis as we begin this New Year:

  • One is definitely moving forward with a divorce.
  • One just had the “I want a separation” conversation with her spouse.
  • One is still trying to work things out, having just gone through a brief “time out”- physical separation.
Of course their crises didn’t just start on January 1st. These things never just start on any particular day. But there is something about the holidays that sort of puts a marker on things.

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The Peace Within / The Peace Without
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The Peace Within / The Peace Without | Ada Hasloecher

{3:18 minutes to read} My friend, Paula Parish, shared one of those “had to share” emails with me just before Thanksgiving. Being as busy as we are these days, finding the time to read everything people send us is not always easy. But when Paula forwards something to me, I read it. And as usual, I’m so glad I did! The message resonated with me immediately, and I realized she handed me my holiday article already bundled up with a big, fat bow—thank you, Paula!

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‘Tis The Season… Blah, Blah, Blah
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‘Tis The Season… Blah, Blah, Blah | Ada Hasloecher

{4:00 minutes to read} I started to write this article just before Thanksgiving but realized it wouldn’t be posted in time. I was going to call it: THANKSgiving or ThanksGIVING? I’ve always been intrigued by the two different places that people put the accent – either on the first syllable or the second one. If someone is from the south, they may say “THANKSgiving” kind of like the way they say UMbrella. But I have a friend from Pittsburgh who pronounces it that way. Go figure.

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Information Overload 101
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Information Overload 101 | Ada Hasloecher

{3:54 minutes to read} Depending on which statistical analysis you’ve heard or read, the prevailing wisdom is that we 21st century, technology driven, heads down/hands poised on cell phones/tablets/computers generation, now absorb more information in one single day than our great, great, great grandparents did in their entire lifetimes! Wow. That’s a whole lotta, lotta, LOTTA stuff comin’ at us second by second, minute by minute – getting to our ancestor’s lifetime of information in one 24-hour period.

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How Do I Broach the “I Want a Separation” Conversation?
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How Do I Broach the “I Want a Separation” Conversation? | Ada Hasloecher

{4:36 minutes to read} . . . with great care, concern and compassion. Easier said than done, I know.

There are times when a potential client inquiring about my mediation services will tell me that they’re ready to start the process, but they haven’t even broached the subject with their spouse yet. Mainly, they don’t know:

  • How to do it;
  • When to do it;
  • How to handle the potential resistance to the subject.

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The Storm Before the Calm
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The Storm Before the Calm | Ada Hasloecher

{3:30 minutes to read} Jim* sat there during the third session, looking like someone who had been shot from a cannon. This was clearly still not easy for him, not by a long shot.

Ann* had been unemployed for a while now as they had agreed that she should stay home and take care of their children, at least until they both deemed that her staying at home was no longer necessary. A common agreement . . . but now what?

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One More Time and with Feeling!
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One More Time and with Feeling!  | Ada Hasloecher

{2:48 minutes to read} For those of you who read my blogs on a regular basis, please forgive the possible redundancy here. But a colleague of mine recently asked me to write an article for her website addressing the 5 things people don’t know about divorce mediation. I thought it would be a good idea to post it for my own site and for my loyal readers out there in TV land! 5 Things People May Not Know About Divorce Mediation

1. You do not need a lawyer.

Mediation is a voluntary process and does not require the services of an attorney.

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The Party Pooper
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The Party Pooper | Ada Hasloecher

{3:12 minutes to read} I was visiting friends on Fire Island this summer (We love those friends with houses out there!) and picked up the July issue of the monthly Fire Island Tide newspaper at the local market. On page 12 of this particular issue was the “Police Blotter,” which lists the various actions police are called upon to intervene. This was the first (in my mind, hilarious) notice:

On June 13th, an anonymous complainant at the Fire Island Hotel in Ocean Bay Park reported loud music at incident location. The owner stated that there was a wedding in progress and the music was not excessive. Every party has a pooper, who in this case, was not invited. No further action necessary.

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Mediation, Cell Phones, and Patti LuPone
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Mediation, Cell Phones, and Patti LuPone | Ada Hasloecher

{4:12 minutes to read} It may be old news by the time you read this, but the Patti LuPone incident during her July theatre performance at Lincoln Center spurred me to write about something I have been cogitating on for some time anyway.

The incident, as reported in The New York Times on July 9th by Erik Piepenburg, titled “Hold The Phone, It’s Patti LuPone,” was described this way:

During a matinee performance of Shows for Days at the Mitzi Newhouse theatre, while the show was in full swing, a young woman seated at the end of the second row started texting.

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Torquing The Lug Nuts
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Torquing The Lug Nuts | Ada L. Hasloecher

{4:12 minutes to read} My worst nightmare. I’m on my way to visit my sister in New Hampshire and halfway there, barreling off 290 E in Massachusetts onto 495 N, when I first hear it and then smell it – a blown rear tire – driver side! I pull off onto the shoulder, take a deep breath and remind myself:

  • It’s daylight;
  • I’m not in a foreign country; and
  • Help can be on the way with a cell phone call.

A bummer… but not a catastrophe.

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“I’ll See You In Court!”
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“I’ll See You In Court!” | Ada Hasloecher

{2:54 minutes to read} It’s almost cliché. And if this unrealistic expectation that “justice” will be served wasn’t so incredibly sad, it would almost be what my mother calls “tragic comedy.”

And yet, “I’ll see you in court” or “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer” are pretty incendiary words, spoken with naïve expectations, in total exasperation and often (fortunately) as an idle threat. But they sting nonetheless to the person on the receiving end of this warning. AND the person issuing this edict means it… at the time.

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“I Feel Like a Homeless Person”
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“I Feel Like a Homeless Person” | Ada L. Hasloecher

These were the exact words expressed by a client during a relatively uncomplicated, amicable and straightforward mediation. What was surprising to me when the wife tearfully made this admission, was that this couple was in good financial straits, they were mediating beautifully, they were in agreement about the house, the move, the children… so the fear was completely unfounded. But there is was.

When Is It Appropriate to Introduce the Children to a Significant Other?
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When Is It Appropriate to Introduce the Children to a Significant Other? Part 2 | Ada L. Hasloecher

Part 2 – The 5 Questions to Ask Yourself

{5 minutes to read} So, back to the scenario I described in my previous article:

Your soon-to-be ex is pushing for the children to meet his new significant other, Sally* – as soon as possible. You are outraged at his temerity in bringing this up while you are still reeling from the revelation of your impending separation. You can’t believe this is such a sticking point for him,  AND he wants your answer right away.

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When Is It Appropriate to Introduce the Children to a Significant Other?
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When Is It Appropriate to Introduce the Children to a Significant Other?  | Ada Hasloecher

{3:56 minutes to read} Of all the issues that come up in mediation, there is probably not a single one that is rife with more consternation, complexities, consequences, and what I call “heavy-osity,” than this question. It’s a big, fat, loaded hot-potato, and no one wants to be on the receiving end of catching it. For a myriad of reasons, it’s a virtual land mine if the parties don’t see eye-to-eye on how to address this issue and ultimately resolve it. The minute one of the parties brings it up, I start buckling my seatbelt.Why is this topic so fraught with emotion, worry and possible ego-deflating potential?

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Which Perfect Pink Cherry?
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Which Perfect Pink Cherry | Ada Hasloecher

{3:30 minutes to read} So it’s Mother’s Day, and I’m finally going to get my pink weeping cherry tree. We were actually on our way to the beach for a morning walk while it was still cool and overcast, when we detoured right into the nearest nursery to peruse the latest shipment of cherry trees. Okay – just a quick look to see what’s what and then we’re out of here.

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Are You “Ping” Worthy?
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Are You “Ping” Worthy | Ada Hasloecher

{4 minutes to read} My friend Heidi purchased a new car a few years back. She was so proud of herself because she negotiated the whole deal on her own with no help from anyone. After months of research, she knew which car she wanted and bravely marched into the dealership to buy her new vehicle. But wait!

  • Did she want the extended warranty?
  • Did she want the rust-proofing package?
  • Did she want the additional undercoating for the chassis?

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Civility + Dignity = Inner Peace
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Civility + Dignity = Inner Peace |  Ada Hasloecher

{3:36 minutes to read} It seems that one of the many things lacking in our everyday lives these days is even a modicum of civility. What happened to “Please?” And “Thank you?” And “Excuse me?” Exactly! These are common courtesies we afforded each other during our daily discourses. What happened to:

  • Walking through a door and looking back to see if someone is right behind you so you can hold the door open for them?

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Thoughts on Promise and Redemption
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Thoughts on Promise and Redemption | Ada L. Hasloecher

{3:54 minutes to read} It seems the perfect time of year to give thought to this topic given the Easter and Passover season and the feel of re-birth that only spring can bring. I write this on March 20th as we enjoy the solar eclipse, the March equinox which heralds the arrival of spring. And still, it snows here this afternoon in the northeast – hopefully the last gasp of winter going out like a lion instead of the promised lamb. Soon, soon.

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Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves
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Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves | Ada Hasloecher

{2:06 minutes to read} I don’t know where and when I first saw this oxymoronic and hilarious line. Perhaps it was on a t-shirt or as a framed sign in a catalogue somewhere.

Unfortunately, it often sums up a philosophy and attitude that many businesses have toward their employees. It can also apply to an individual when they don’t realize how their:

  • Harsh words;
  • Coarse approach;
  • Stinging manner; and
  • Tough position

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Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
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Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! | Ada Hasloecher

{3:42 minutes to read} So sang Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion as they hooked arms with each other on their way out of the dark and brooding forest and danced their way along the yellow brick road toward The Emerald City of Oz. Remember that?

How about this one? The Cowardly Lion, eyes closed, clutching his tail, repeating as a mantra: “I do believe in ghosts, I do believe in ghosts, I do, I do, I do believe in ghosts!” We all grew up with this classic childhood movie and laugh as we remember these scenes so well.

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Let Go of the Banana!
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Let Go of the Banana | Ada L Hasloecher

{1:51 minutes to read} Let Go or Be Dragged – Zen proverb The minute I read this proverb, I laughed with recognition. Don’t we all know the truth of this? Of course we do, but how very difficult it is for us to do it. I’ve been pondering this proverb for some time. Why, despite the wisdom of the concept, do we still hold onto whatever it is we know is going to drag us under, behind or somewhere else we don’t want to go? Why don’t we let go? Perhaps the reason is that we think if we let go, we lose. But, lose what? Control Autonomy Access Power Ourselves Pick one, any one. We just don’t want to lose, no matter what the cost. And oh, the cost!

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The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men . . . and Grandmas
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The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men . . . and Grandmas | Ada L Hasloecher

{Time to Read: 3 minutes} When my niece was pregnant with our first grandchild – we were thrilled beyond belief. We knew it was going to be a girl, and after the flurry of offering favorite names to the parents-to-be, we embarked on names we wanted the new baby to call us! Not satisfied with the usual grandma, grandpa, aunt so and so,  we came up with fun and clever names for ourselves that pretty much stuck.

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